Beans
Broadly speaking, Beans are an abnormal creature first discovered in a sewage system in 1910. The first beans are said to have bean found next to a pipe that had tomato sauce beaning out of it. After discovering how good these inanimate creatures tasted doused in sauce, they were sold to wholesale retailers, and were eventually noticed by a budding company called Heinz. Anticipating the success of their new product, they bought bean seeds and started a bean farm where the multiplication and mass divison of beans commenced. Their product was super successful, selling over a billion tins worldwide. They also make you fart sometimes.
In 2013, the recipe for Heinz Beinz (/ˌhaɪnz baɪnz/) was leaked online by a very naughty worker, later identified as Marcus Brownlee. He had an incident in the bean factory where a machean had bean annoyean. Frustrated by this malfunction, he bashed the machine aggressively, and out of nowhere, a piece of paper flew into the air and slowly drifted down. Upon reading it, he discovered that he'd accidentally found the recipe to Heinz Beinz, and being the absolute rebel that he was, posted it on social media for all to sea(n) (/ˌʃɔːn/). This led to his account being taken down by Heinz themselves, and Marcus beaing taken to court. After he sued Heinz for £2, a trial was held that lasted approximately 8 minutes and 23 seconds. In the end, Heinz received the money and Marcus cried into a jar for 2 weeks before starting work as a milkman.
There is a rare mutation of the bean known as the "Mumetic Bean", which can be passed along plants and grass. These beans have patches of grean (a sickly shade of green), red and orange, and some even grow arms and legs. Their vocabulary (from birth) consists of the word "beans" shouted aggressively. They're always smiling, have an unlimited lifespan, and are immortal. Despite this, they're extremely rare, and an estimated 6 mutations exist in the world. These include the Beanmill, Bean Tree, Beanguin, Bean Moon and Bean Cow. This bean is edible but tastes like socks, so is not recommended for human consumption unless desperate or masochistic.
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| A can of Heinz Baynsh. |
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